June/July 1996

Building Self-Esteem
By Tami Anastasia

The foundation of self-esteem is internally rooted-in our thoughts, beliefs, opinions, and feelings. Most of these views have been shaped by our childhood experiences.

To think well of yourself, you must first see yourself as someone worthy of love and respect. You must believe in your competence, integrity, and value. To accomplish this, you must replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

Unfortunately, thinking positively about ourselves does not occur naturally; rather, it is something we must make a habit of doing every day. The more you practice positive thinking, the better you feel about yourself. Imagine that you've been nominated for Special Person of the Year and been asked to submit a brief description of yourself. What do you want the world to know?

You can begin this esteem-building process by following these four steps:

• Commit to be your own best friend.
• Be aware of negative inner voices.
• Take responsibility for replacing negative thoughts and beliefs.
• Accept yourself for who you are.

Step 1: Self-Commitment

Before change can occur, you have to hold yourself in higher regard. Make a contract with yourself to become your own best friend. Write, "From this day forward (date), I agree to be as loving, supportive, understanding, and encouraging of myself as I am of friends." Then, in one column, write the qualities that make you a good friend:

• I am a good listener.
• I give good advice.
• I am encouraging.

In a second column, list how you will apply those qualities to yourself:

• I will be open-minded about myself.
• I will practice what I preach.
• I will tap into my inner strengths.

Check in with yourself several times a day. Ask, "Am I being a good friend to myself? If not, what do I need to do?"

Step 2: Self-Awareness

Awareness gives you the means and motivation to make positive changes. To achieve a confident outlook, become aware of the negative inner voices that undermine your self-confidence. When you hear those voices, write them down and create positive statements to refute them. Repeat the positive statements until the negative voices fade away.

Negative: I can't do anything right.
Positive: Making a mistake doesn't mean I do everything wrong.
Negative: I'm awful at what I do.
Positive: I'm conscientious in what I do.
Negative: I don't work hard enough.
Positive: I'm very efficient and get things done on time.

Step 3: Self-Responsibility

We choose how we feel about ourselves, and we can choose to think negatively or positively. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Not taking responsibility to change our thinking leaves us feeling helpless and hopeless. Take responsibility for the way you think by turning self-defeating beliefs into self-empowering ones.

Negative: I'm inadequate.
Positive: I'm capable of doing anything I put my mind to.
Negative: I'm not perfect.
Positive: I learn from my mistakes.
Negative: I'm a failure.
Positive: I try new approaches to broaden my perspective.

Step 4: Self-Acceptance

Acceptance raises your self-esteem, while judgment and criticism break it down. Stop beating yourself up for what you aren't and accept yourself for who you are. Become an objective observer instead of your own worst critic. When things upset you, make a neutral assessment of the facts instead of personalized statements that attack your competence, personality, or integrity. In two columns, list the critic on the left, the objective observer on the right.

Left: If I weren't so stupid, I could have done the job faster.
Right: I did the job as fast as I could.
Left: No one visits me because I'm a boring person.
Right: I'm left alone when I have a deadline to meet.
Left: I'm ignored because what I say isn't important.
Right: I'm not heard because everyone talks at once.

Change occurs when you accept facts as they are, suspend value judgments, and ask yourself what you can do next time that would make you feel better. Each of us begins life with the potential to have high self-esteem. Whatever our upbringing, as adults the matter is in our own hands. Give yourself what you deserve-a strong belief in yourself.

Tami Anastasia, owner of TAMS, has a Master's Degree in Counseling and 16-plus years' experience in the fitness industry. She is a personal health and fitness counselor, a speaker on the psychology of healthy living, and author of a forthcoming book.